Welcome to the Royal Kitchens

1. The Rendering: Toss the pork fat or bacon into a 4-quart saucepan. Melt it down slowly. Do not brown it! We want rendered fat, not a crispy campfire accident.

2. The Sweating: Introduce the onions, carrots, and jalapeños to the rendered fat. Again, absolutely no browning! Let them sweat quietly and contemplate their existence until the onions become translucent.

3. The Stoic Union: Pour in the crushed tomatoes and the HSK Sunset Sauce. Add all your herbs and peppercorns. Stir the mixture until it is well and truly united in savory melancholy.

4. The Simmering Sigh: Slap a lid on the pot and bring the concoction to a furious boil. Once boiling, immediately tell it to calm down, remove the lid, and let it simmer stoically for 1.5 to 2 hours.

5. The Milling: Ideally, force the sauce through a food mill to maintain its majestic, deep red hue. Warning: If you attack it with a modern blender or food processor, the sauce will violently transform from a brooding red to a highly optimistic orange.

6. The Finale: Serve over your favorite pasta and bury it beneath a snowy mountain of freshly grated parmesan. Eat quietly and reflect.

1. The Interrogation: Aggressively salt the swine until it looks caught in a mild, savory blizzard.

2. The Searing: Melt butter in a pan with enthusiastic fervor. Sear the pork on all sides until it resembles a vacationer who fell asleep in the Midday Kingdom. Remove from the pan.

3. The Mustardification: Slather the beast with mustard—choose the General's for fiery discipline or Coalman’s for polite yellow warmth. Vigorously shower with fresh cracked black pepper.

4. The Roasting: Abandon it in a 350-degree oven. Forty-five minutes shalt be the time thou shalt roast the first pound. Add fifteen minutes for every additional pound. Do not roast for thirty minutes, nor fifty.

5. The Finale: Rescue, slice, and anoint with HSK Midnight Sauce for a dark, mysterious flavor burst. Eat quickly before the Minister of Silly Walks claims a portion!