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General Habanero Final Bust for Mustard

General Habanero’s "Expedition Strength" Kingdom Mustard

Formulated deep in the African rainforest while hunting the elusive Greater Crested Pygmy-Saurus, this mustard is the only condiment capable of keeping morale high in the face of prehistoric danger. Developed by General Mustard Habanero—a man of conflicted Spanish-English heritage—this blend marries the disciplined sharp bite of Grade #1 English Mustard Powder with the fiery, passionate heat of fresh Habaneros and garlic. It is currently being packed onto the General’s faithful donkeys, Trabuco and Canon, by his trembling steward. A sauce so noble, it is rumored to be the true heritage of Queen Anna. Tastes like victory; burns like a scandal.

The Kingdom Mustard

The Habanero Mustard for your next bison burger or elk ribs. 

Prepare your palate for a diplomatic incident. This Kingdom Mustard is the only condiment brave enough to bridge the gap between my mother’s rigid British etiquette and my father’s fiery Spanish impulsive streak. We have taken the most disciplined, high-ranking #1 Grade Dry Mustard—sharp enough to starch a collar—and corrupted it with a chaotic infusion of fresh Habaneros and Garlic. It offers a sharp, nasal-clearing initial attack followed by a lingering, spicy insurrection that refuses to surrender. It is the perfect accompaniment for roast beast, bratwurst, or masking the taste of rations while hiding from a carnivorous reptile. My pack mule, Trabuco, finds it "too aggressive," but frankly, the beast lacks sophistication.

  • Ingredients

    Water, Distilled vinegar, #1 Ground Mustard Seed, Garlic, Habaneros, Salt, Sugar, Turmeric, Garlic Powder, Paprika.
Kindgom Mustard 2-min Smaller

About General Mustard Habanero

General Habanero Final-1

General Mustard Habanero

General Mustard Habanero is a walking geopolitical contradiction, born from the scandalous union of an English Princess and the fiery Saint Sebastian Habanero (shortly before the latter fled to a monastery to repent). A semi-retired tactician with a monocle permanently affixed to his face and a magical crossbow in hand, he currently wanders the African rainforests in search of prehistoric game, accompanied only by his trembling servant, Steward, and two uncooperative mules named Trabuco and Canon. While he officially holds the title of "Uncle" to the Pepper Kingdom monarchs, his explosive temper and legendary "Saint Sebastian Scowl" are suspiciously similar to Queen Anna’s—a biological reality he avoids acknowledging by staying deep in the jungle, where the only things judging him are carnivorous dinosaurs.

General Habanero on the Hunt

A Dispatch from the Field

LOCATION: Somewhere Unmapped in the African Rainforest CURRENT STATUS: Mid-Aim

Stop your fidgeting and pay attention.

I am dictating this product description to my steward, Steward (the boy is skinny as a rail and twice as shaky), while I currently have my magical crossbow trained on the left nostril of a rather rare, carnivorous dinosaur.

Trabuco and Canon—my loyal pack mules—are currently chewing on the only map we have, so we shall be here for some time. This gives me ample opportunity to explain why the yellow substance in this jar is the finest condiment in the Pepper Kingdoms.

The "Dual Citizenship" Flavor Profile

You see, I am a man of two worlds. My father was Saint Sebastian Habanero, the founder of Habanero Island (before he ran off to become a monk, the coward). My mother was an English Princess with a penchant for rules and terrible weather.

This mustard is the violent reconciliation of their romance.

It does not contain a "recipe." It contains a heritage.

  • The English Side: We utilize the finest Dry Mustard Powder and a stiff regiment of Vinegar and Salt. It provides that sharp, nasal-clearing discipline that makes one want to stand up straight and hum the national anthem.

  • The Spanish Side: This is where the General’s bloodline kicks in. We have deployed a heavy artillery of Garlic and Fresh Habaneros. It is the passion! The fire! The sudden urge to duel a stranger at dawn!

  • The Secret: A touch of Turmeric and Paprika, added not for flavor, but because Trabuco the mule knocked the spice rack over during a thunderstorm.

The "Uncle" Incident

Now, while Steward loads the crossbow bolts, let us address the rumors. Yes, I am technically "Uncle" to the monarchs of the Pepper Kingdoms. I send them very nice gift baskets.

However, regarding Queen Anna...

If you have noticed that her temper is as hot as a habanero and her glare can curdle milk, that is purely coincidental. I am hunting dinosaurs in the jungle to broaden my horizons, not to avoid a paternity suit from the Royal Court. Any suggestion that this mustard is the "Family Recipe" she grew up on will be met with a very stern letter from my solicitors.

Serving Suggestions

The General Habanero Kingdom Mustard is best served on sausages, pretzels, or wild game you have hunted yourself.

  • Do not feed to the mules (Trabuco becomes unmanageable).

  • Do not give to Steward (he creates a fuss).

  • Do consume when you need to feel like a British officer with the heart of a Spanish lover.

> WARNING: Steward informs me the dinosaur has noticed us. Buy the mustard immediately. If I miss this shot, shipping may be delayed.