Skip to content
Order

The Royal Roast of the Unsuspecting Swine

(Or: What to do when a member of the Featherless Flock falls into your garden)

From the Desk of: The Ministry of Silly Roasts Approved by: General Habanero (reluctantly)

Right then. Stop your fidgeting. You have acquired a slab of meat, and you wish to make it edible without offending the Crown. Listen closely, follow instructions, and for heaven's sake, don't let Sir Loin of Beef see you cooking this; he gets terribly jealous of the other white meats.

Final Pork Loin
Pork Loin Plated

 

The Munitions (Ingredients)

1 Unit of Center Cut Pork Loin (approx. 1 lb): Preferably harvested from the Sunrise Kingdom’s Flocks of Featherless Swine. If the pig was capable of flight, it will be leaner. If it simply fell out of the sky with a "soft, meaty thud", it is perfect for roasting.

2 Tablespoons of General Habanero’s Kingdom Mustard: The "Expedition Strength" variety. If it’s strong enough to deter a dinosaur in the African Rainforest, it’s strong enough for your dinner.

  • Salt: To taste. (Or to preserve feelings of resentment).

  • Black Pepper: Cracked. Like the resolve of a Ware Wolf facing a tax audit.

The Tactical Procedure

Phase 1: The Assault Liberally assault the pork loin with Salt. Do not be shy. Pretend the pork owes you money. Cover it until it admits defeat.

Phase 2: The Interrogation (The Sear) Place the loin in a sauté pan on the stovetop. Apply heat. Sear it until it is brown on all sides. We are looking for the color of a Ware Wolf’s bowler hat —a sensible, professional brown. Do not burn it, or Sir Chicken and Egg will start debating the philosophy of charcoal.

Phase 3: The Confinement Transfer the interrogation subject (the Loin) into a Roasting Pan.

Note: No rack is needed. Racks are for medieval torture and drying the laundry of the Sunrise Kingdom (before the pigs crash into it). This pig shall rest directly on the metal, as is its punishment.

Phase 4: The Anointing This is the messy bit. Cover the outside of the loin with the Kingdom Mustard. Spackle it on. You are not painting a watercolor; you are insulating a loft. Ensure the coverage is absolute. This mustard contains the heritage of a Spanish lover and a British officer; treat it with respect.

Phase 5: The Sneezing Powder Crack or grind Black Pepper over the mustard. If you do not sneeze, you aren't doing it right.

Phase 6: The Hot Box Roast in the oven at 350° F.

  • Calculations: Cook for roughly 15-20 minutes per pound.

  • The "I Failed Math" Clause: If you have exactly one pound, the King’s Chef recommends 30 minutes.

    Warning: Do not ask a Ware Wolf to calculate the time for you; they will charge you a consulting fee.

Optional "Elevators" (For the Fancy Lads)

If you feel the need to complicate things:

  • Fruit of the Enemy: Throw in sliced Apples or Pears during the roasting process.

  • Weeds: Fresh Thyme and Rosemary add "aromatics." This is a fancy word for "making the kitchen smell less like burnt pig."

The "Coup de Grâce" (The Sauce) For the ultimate experience, top the roast with a Wolfsbane Relish Reduction Sauce. Take a jar of Wolfsbane Relish, simmer it until it is thick, sticky, and full of Sir Reginald’s complex sorrow. Pour it over the pork. The combination of the mustard's discipline and the relish's melancholy is said to be the only thing that makes King Julio wink with both eyes.

Serve hot. If the pig tries to fly away again, use a fork.